My mom scrutinized my first ever boyfriend from head to toe before I was allowed to officially be his girlfriend. Like a good obedient Chinese daughter, I let her, and waited patiently as she went about calling him before school (yes, she got the number from me) and setting up a time to meet with him afterwards. The entire day of waiting and attempting to calm potential said boyfriend's nerves was an eternity of impending doom.
They met in a Chinese tea house, the ones who serve those delicious Boba milk tea (Boba are glutinous balls of joy that squish around in your mouth before becoming excessive calories reminiscent of my entire tween and teenage youth). There, she would buy him a cup of boba milk tea, and sit down to drink and chat with him. He was 17, I was 16, we were high school babies. She evaluated the way he drove because she had him pick her up, and throughout the drive, she carefully determined if he could shuttle me around safely. Then, she inquired about the details of our friendship, the courtship, and asked what he liked about me. She found out about his college plans, his future ambitions, and gave him a long speech about how I was a diamond in the rough. To say it was a mortifying experience for him and me is an understatement.
I would have two more serious boyfriends after that, one of which became my forever boyfriend. I'd date a lot in my 20s, but I'd always be especially careful of those I considered "boyfriends," a title I knew would invite my mom into the picture and give her ample opportunities to get a little too involved.
As an adult looking back now, I am quite sure the apple does not fall far from the tree, and I will have no hesitation to do the same exact thing to my daughter and sons. I just hope they allow me to do the same, because most of my other friends started dating at 12 or 13, behind their parents' backs, and never let their parents know who they were in a relationship with. For some peculiar reason, I shared with my mom. I didn't share every single detail of our relationship, but I felt it was important that she knew I had a boyfriend, and after waiting so long to have a boyfriend, I didn't want to hide it.
I try to think of what my mom did that made me so open with her. Here is what I came up with.
1) She constantly told me about how dumb she was when she smoked as a teenager, and how mad my grandma popo was when she found out. It made me feel I wasn't alone and assured me that my mom had been through the same stuff. When I became faced with those same life changing decisions of whether or not to take a sip of alcohol before I was 21, or whether or not to take a puff of a cigarette when everyone was saying how cool it was and you secretly wanted to hold on just because, I thought of my mom and who wants to think of their mom during those situations?! I did... and I'd think twice and try to learn from her mistakes that she reminded me of SO OFTEN.
2) She drove us everywhere, she volunteered to be chauffeur whenever possible, and eavesdropped on every little thing we said. We said a lot of stupid things in the car. She knew very well who were the nice girls and who were the ones to be a little more wary of. She knew who was dating who, and was just as invested in the teen gossip as I was. But she never asked questions while driving or acted like she was listening. She feigned indifference in front of my friends, and once they were gone, she was invested and interested and I didn't ever feel threatened and for some reason, wanted to share with her things about my friends.
3) Despite always yelling at me for doing things that might be du lian or loose face (loosely translated in English), known as inappropriate things a good Chinese girl does not do (like run through your sophomore dance class routine with your friends in front of the school while waiting to be picked up... seriously?) that are for some strange reason embarrassing to conservative traditional Chinese folk, and belittling my better judgment when detailing why receiving a "C" in PE is a disgrace (because it's confusing when your parents don't value exercise or sports or playing outside but suddenly a C in PE is all my fault) or giving me some serious body issues with her blunt "you look fat" comments, yes, despite ALL of that, my mom wavers between the horrendous critical difficult mom and the loving supportive, will always be on your side and continue to encourage you in a Chinese way. That Chinese way might not always be nurturing or loving in a big embrace you kind of way, but it's more of a silent cheerleader on the side saying, "Duh, you can do this so you better!" When self esteem was lacking and teenage insecurities inspired doubt, my mom would always tell me to do my best, and that I could do it. When I failed the CPA for the sixth or seventh time and wanted to give up, she told me I would eventually get it and reminded me that not everyone passed right away. She was full of motivational reminders that I might not be the smartest, but I also wasn't the dumbest. That realistic approach helped me face a lot of disappointments in life and find the ability to keep on trucking on.
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