We went back to California for Christmas break and spent some time with my mom. She said that my skin looked great and I had lost a lot of weight. It made me happy to hear these things, partially because I have been stressing about it for so long knowing that the moment I saw her, the waterfall of criticism would come pouring out. I had even begun to really talk to my kids in Chinese about 50% of the time, which let's be frank, is really hard (especially when one kids responds "can you speak English Mom?" about half the time). To her credit, they do understand a lot more than they let on but it's still hard when you're the ONLY person speaking Chinese to them all day long in a world of English! I had begun getting facials monthly, with the disgustingly dry weather in Utah, even drinking half my body weight in water and slathering on body oil and lotion after showers hasn't helped much. So I've been getting professional help so my mom doesn't remind me how old my skin is getting. Lastly, in an effort to slim down from having my third child, I did the Fast Metabolism Diet which lasted for 28 days. I lost 12 pounds and 4 inches off my waist and felt like I looked better than before I had Bubba and I weighed about 5 pounds less than I do now, then! So I was doing everything to prepare myself for success with my overly critical mother. It should have been wonderful to succeed.
To be honest, it wasn't as fulfilling as I expected. I thought the acknowledgment that I am indeed trying my best to teach my kids Chinese would feel good. I thought the reaffirmation that I am taking care of myself physically would feel better. I thought that being mommy's good little girl would be satisfying. Sometimes, when you live your whole life to make mommy proud (think Joy Luck Club), success can not only feel fleeting but a little artificial, like this isn't going to be enough, I just know it. I guess it was an omen for me, because I should have been happy with what I had. Sure enough, it all went downhill quickly.
A few days later, as we caught up on all my friends with our normal gossip session on what everyone is doing, she told me how relieved she was that I was married with kids in my 30's. Of course all my friends who are unmarried and in their 30's have moms who are freaked out, or so my mom says. I tried to explain to my mom, maybe they are making the most of their single 30's and doing good things.
"Hopefully they can still have kids that old."
All the stars do it, I told her.
"Stars are not real people," she reminded me.
It's really sad that she is sort of right, and I hope my single friends in their 30's have indeed given thought and thought about freezing their eggs, but according to my mom, "You know, even if they don't admit it, they want a husband. Nobody wants to admit they want to get married, but everyone does."
I'm not saying she's right, but she's entitled to her opinion and she is certainly vocal about it. To provide some perspective, I told her, "Well, they seem to be having fun and enjoying their life, meanwhile I'm going to sleep at 10 this New Year's Eve."
I'm not a huge feminist, but I suppose the bit of me that is, is outraged. Our worth, defined by a husband and kids? Shouldn't it be by what we accomplish on our own? I get it, everyone wants a family - whether that be a husband or friends or just people who care about you and plan a life with you to grow together and encourage each other, call each other about good things, etc., but a general statement that everyone should get married might not be the end all.
Sometimes I am in admiration of my single friends, 20's or 30's. Drunken escapades, party photos galore, traveling spontaneously (cuz we know a lot of people who do travel with family, but always planned, always a vacation, etc.). But then she says the worst thing ever, and that is this, "If you weren't married by now, I'd be so stressed and depressed," and it's the biggest backhanded compliment if I ever did hear one. I'm not sure if I should say, thank you! Or smile, or say, "whew, me too!" but either way, it doesn't quite sit well. Would it mean there's something wrong with me if I were 30 something and not married? Maybe it just means I'm more picky than most people. My mom would say, "no, you're just too anal. Chill out and stop expecting so much, what are you... a queen?" My mom doesn't believe in soul mates, love, or any of that. Coming form a world where betrothals were normal, she's a true believer than it can always work because you make it work. Her generation is much like that, in the sense that they all went through tough trials and then they just made it work and came out more in love than before.
A few days later.. after I forget about it all... we're watching my kids run and crawl around and she tells me point blank that she can't believe this is my life....but not in a necessarily good way. Not in a, you're so lucky, you're so blessed, but more in a seriously, you should hire help you have too many kids, how can you still want more? *disbelief, kind of attitude.
Ugh, my mom is so complicated.
Of course, the moment we returned home, she called and said how much she missed her grandkids. And me, sorta.. it sounded more like a "are you still taking care of your skin and staying skinny?" than a "I love you" but I guess that's her way of saying I love you.
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