Saturday, September 6, 2025

We're All Hypocrites

I remember the intense disdain I would have as a kid listening to my mom lament about my friends who she disapproved of.  It would always, and inevitably end with a judgment about how the friends' parents must be to blame.  In Chinese, we have a phrase 没教养 méi jiào yǎng which roughly translates to the child lacks parental discipline.  I grew tired of hearing this phrase all the time, wondering if I should go out and rebel just to make it so that I was also one of those kids, as ultimately the blame would be on my parents, and not me.  But I never had the courage to do much besides talk back.  Though I was the Queen of talking back, that was where my reign of power seemed to end.  I never ditched school (without my mom knowing), I never snuck out of the house, I never snuck around behind her back doing things she would disapprove of, I never really did much to warrant being grounded except come home with less than perfect grades, like a C in PE when I was in the 7th grade which resulted in a spanking with the rubber slipper.  Curse that red dirty rubber slipper!  I was a pretty good kid you could say.  Obedient.  In Chinese, the word 乖 guāi meant good.  Surprisingly close to the word guài which meant strange.  The difference, just the inclination of the tone utilized.  An obedient child would often get praised openly for how 乖 guāi  they were.  Little things got this praise: addressing the adults in the room politely before reminded by your parents, accompanying grandparents to weekend dim sum with a smile, and allowing your parents to boast of your grades and extracurriculars without any eye rolls.  These were all things that came naturally to me, so of course I always fit into the classification of a 乖孩子 guāi háizǐ or good kid.  And even despite me always embodying the ideal of a perfect Chinese daughter, I never attributed it to my mom's influence.  Well... that is until I became a mom myself.  

Now as a mom, I still don't believe that my kids are always going to listen to me.  But I blame myself if they do something bad or wrong, while acknowledging my children have their own choices to make.  It's the ultimate paradox of parenthood.  But anytime I hear about a classmate who is being difficult, or I encounter a friend of my children's who I believe is being a little rude or off putting, try as I might the phrase 没教养 méi jiào yǎng creeps into my head.  Curse thy childhood Chinese judgment!  Try as I might, I simply do not want to belittle the parents by assuming the same errors of my mom.  But try as I might, she may have been onto something.  Bold and unforgiving a judgment, it does 90% of the time fall onto the parenting situation that put the child in a bad situation, or gave the child a bad influence, or ... you get my point.  

So in the end, we're all just hypocrites.  I am trying my best to abandon that phrase from my vocabulary, but in private with just my best friend on the phone, we find our secretive conversations often leads to the same thing: judgment of other parents.  Us not understanding how others do it, how others discipline or don't discipline and then us determining that's definitely the reason.  No nature, but 100% nurture. And while I don't take credit for any of my kid's successes, the moment they're met with a failure, it's hard not to blame myself for it.  So how do we stop this vicious cycle or do we all just admit we're all hypocrites?  

  


Thursday, September 4, 2025

The Things We Believe In...

From a young age, I knew that leaving my hair wet to air dry would result in headaches.  My mom and aunt both stressed how important it was to always blowdry one's hair.  When you didn't, that's where the headaches would come from.  As I ridiculed such insanity, I also grew up and began consistently and obediently drying my hair accordingly.  In my defense, the hair follicles seem to stay clean longer, when I air dry, it gets oily faster.  But alas, the blow dryer became my best friend.  And simultaneously a symbol of my filial piety and one of the Chinese wives tales I subscribed to.  As an adult, I sometimes wonder if it all traces back to my first blowdryer.... 

Growing up, we didn't do Christmas big.  We had a Christmas tree most years, of course my mom won't let me forget that I donated our one fake Christmas tree to the middle school's decor supply when she said we could borrow it but I thought she meant they could have it.  "Do you know how much Christmas trees are?!" she had demanded.  I had, in fact, not known the value, and now all of a sudden the look on the teacher's face of gratitude when I advised her of my mom's donation made sense.  At the time, I also racked my brain as to the last time we even set it out, and it had been years earlier, so I figured we were over the whole decorating for Christmas tradition. Traditions didn’t apply to us immigrant kids anyway! 

As an adult now, I know that all fake greenery is in fact quite expensive.  Oddly enough, my uncle was a fake greenery export import guru and had a business called Amazing Green, which I also got the opportunity to intern at one summer, where I learned all about greenery, invoicing, and the warehouse department.  But I digress.  

One of my core memories from Christmas besides a few cool Barbie dolls (the bubble shaving cream one and the 1993 holiday barbie with velvet green lush puffy sleeves), was a red blowdryer my uncle got me for Christmas one year.  Since we didn't really "do" Christmas, the presents under the tree were usually gifts for the family given to us by friends,  which meant blue tins of Swedish butter cookies or See’s chocolate candy boxes (even though Asians don’t love sweet things, we encountered these two gift options quite often during the holidays)- and my uncle, who at the time was new and wasn't sure if we were doing any traditional American Christmas stuff.  He had just immigrated from Hong Kong to establish a home for his family and wasn't sure how we did things.  That was the last gift I remember from him, so he caught on pretty quickly thereafter that we didn't do anything.  I think he was also grateful that we carved space for him at the dinner table every night while he was alone trying to pave the way for the rest of his family.  But I was one of those immigrant kids (I've also since learned that all immigrant kid experiences may be similar, but not all are identical, and my experience is mine alone even if it may resonate with others) who didn't really celebrate Christmas.  

Despite not celebrating Christmas, I still loved all the sugar, the twinkle, the smell of pine, the mall decorations, the Christmas programs we'd prepare and sing for at school, the excitement and anxiety that I only knew from the white characters in all the tv sitcoms we watched. For us, Christmas was just a long break where we’d sit around and finally get to watch tv until midnight (we couldn’t watch TV on the weekdays normally but TGIF happily coincided with the weekend). We did always have a big family dinner complete with roasted duck, stir fried noodles, and lots of vegetables. If my mom had time, we also had fried spring/egg rolls. The name varies depending on who you ask but these were the golden wrapper ones fried in deep oil. Yum.  We didn't have stockings by the fireplace, or hung up at all, and we certainly didn't wake up to run to the presents under the tree with some from Santa like I had seen on television.  And if we made decorations at school (like the wreath made of soda pop loops) my mom usually tossed it complaining it was tacky. Go figure. 

When my brother, six years younger, became an adolescent, I of course assumed the role of Santa as I had witnessed on tv, and got him gifts that he mentioned wanting.  Seeing the look of pure awe and joy was enough that I kept playing Santa for years.  The only reason I never did it with my own kids is because years later, while I was a working adult in Corporate America, I would get a phone call from my mom asking what Pokemon was. Apparently, my much younger cousin woke up crying Christmas morning. She was about 8, and her immigrant parents missed the whole letter to Santa asking for Pokemon and explained she was saying she was on the naughty list. My brother and I raced to buy any pokemon toy we could muster on Christmas Day but her ideal of Santa and her ability to believe in magic had died that day.  We hid the toy and even wrote a fake letter explaining the snafu but we were too late. The immigrant ignorance has ruined any semblance of an American traditional Christmas, yet again. After that experience, I swore I would never deceive my own kids, or buy into this nonsense that some immigrant parents are unfortunately unable to participate in. And I never have. 


Tuesday, June 1, 2021

Weekend Garage Sales

One of my favorite weekend past times was venturing out to garage sales with my dad.  Perhaps that is the foundation of my cheap frugal ways, because if you can get someone else's junk as your treasure for a steal, why not?!  My dad would often take me to garage sales on Saturday mornings. We left early, even before the Saturday morning cartoons were on (which we recorded on VHS before we left), when the birds were still chirping outside, the air was still cool with promise, and the busy streets by our condo were quiet because everyone was still sleeping.  That's when we would venture out of our little condo together, my hair not even brushed (my mom wouldn't know because she'd still be sleeping) out of my face, my clothes mismatched as well as my socks, because we needed to beat the rush!  I don't remember how far we drove, but I remember picking at the stickers on the inside car door that my mom yelled at me not to put on while my dad drove.  I remember when my mom got mad at me for putting stickers on the car, my dad had just shrugged, "It's fine, just let her do what she wants with her stickers  I don't care about the car that much anyway" to which my mom would howl back, "and that's why we can't have anything nice!" all in Mandarin of course.  My parents never argued in English, their English wasn't that good yet and they weren't that comfortable speaking it in a speedy loud argument.  I actually didn't even know my parents cursed in Mandarin until I grew up, the words were thrown away so casually, I thought it was just part of the Chinese language.  Just another way for saying "this" or "that" but later, I learned they were obscenities only spoken in a fit of rage.  As for English curse words, we weren't even allowed to say, "shut up," much less any other bad word that we saw them say on American television.  

We would drive around, my dad always had a wad of cash that we would use to purchase a few trinkets he would take home and see if he could fix. He'd be successful about 25% of the time, but for the price, it couldn't be beat, he would tell me!  I think that's where we got our first carousel slide machine which I loved messing around with and he would always scold me to stop touching.  My dad didn't scold me much, that was more my mom's role.  My dad was the lovable nice parent, the one you could ask anything for, and he'd sheepishly say okay.  But not when I touched his photography stuff.  He was serious about me not touching the lens on any of the fancy equipment he got because he loved taking photos.  He had all the latest cameras and videography stuff and he worked hard to capture all the moments in our lives.  I don't remember my dad ever being without a camera.  And a lot of times, we would find accessories during our adventures garage sale hopping.  

I loved going with him to explore the treasures of American families, just like the ones I saw on television, and also people watching, not the ones shopping the garage sales, but the ones holding them.  The women always had big hair,  puffy bangs or curly hair, a look my mom tried to replicate, but just looked odd.  She wouldn't let me perm my hair, it was too expensive, so I enjoyed looking at the neon shoelaces the American girls put in their hair, wondering if my own mom would ever get me one of those.  I had hair stuff from Taiwan, usually with cute little characters or elastics that had big balls on the end instead of big bows and ribbons.  But I never found big bow clips at the garage sales.  In fact, most of the time there were barely any kid items, but I'd always find the section of old books, a few plastic toys - usually firetrucks, and old stuffed animals.  I'd enjoy perusing the limited child sections by myself while my dad roamed through the old electronics on the tables.  

Most of the garage sale we went through was me exploring old stuff from these American families, wondering what it was like for them to sit around for Thanksgiving dinner.  There were gravy boats and pitchers, big serving bowls, and mismatched plates and bowls.  I also noticed a lot of cute signs I wasn't used to seeing in our own home, we only hung stuff up if it was red and for Chinese New Year's.  I loved it!  Ever single inch of exploration, like stepping back into time and their homes, recognizing all these hobbies they had that we didn't.  Soccer balls.  Footballs. Hockey sticks.  Roller skates.  Knee pads.  Gardening tools.  It was reflective of what I had seen on television, the place where I received most of my American cultural education, besides school.  The teacher would always ask what we'd eat for Thanksgiving dinner, but I'd always just listen, never raise my hand.  I didn't want my peers to know I only had sticky rice and roasted duck, among other Asian dishes, and that I didn't know what gravy or mashed potatoes were until our family would eventually try it from KFC for Thanksgiving in a few years.  Instead, I just focused and listened.  But at these garage sales, I remember imagining myself in their families, asking to pass the dish (we ate family style) or holding hands with a prayer before we ate dinner and having a home with useless decorations, just there to be cute.  What an idea!  

Once I was in the kid sections, I would usually trace my fingers along each old firetruck and doll, wondering about the American kid who owned it, how many toys they must have had, and how great that must be.  One time, I remember seeing a popples, to which I begged my father for, and was so happy to bring home, even with its slights of dirty that we couldn't rub or wash off.  It definitely had been loved.  But it would continue to be loved my me. I had some toys, but not a lot.  My mother didn't believe in toys, and she still ridicules my kids for their enormous collection of "crap" as she calls it.  I certainly developed quite a bit of creativity from not having many toys, but I still wanted some more, I was just too scared to ask for it unless we were at a garage sale, and if I'm perfectly honest, that's actually the real reason I went with my dad every weekend.  At the hope of maybe finding some good stuff in the kid section. 

I would eventually get my first Barbie in a few years, and I'd end up amassing SIX barbies, a number I believed to be so great in power and strength, until my mom let me subscribe to the Barbie magazine our school fundraised (by accident of course), and I'd gorge over every single page wondering how children could own so many Barbie dolls.  Didn't they know they were at least $13 each at Target, a number I always had in my head when I would turn to the Barbie clothes that were only $1.99 or even better, 99 cents at the local Pic'n'Save. I knew they weren't actual Barbie branded clothes, but they still fit the few Barbies I had just fine, so I continued collecting them.  I would always look for Barbie dolls and clothes at the garage sales over the years, but the only thing consistent from every garage sale was that there was never any Barbie stuff.  Never.  But that didn't stop me from hoping.  And perhaps that's why I liked weekend garage sales so much.  Why I even take my kids now and tell them how I used to go with their gongong every weekend, hoping to find some treasures! I learned patience.  For the Barbies would not be found there, but I would keep looking and I would be patient.  I learned hope.  For I would always hope to find something amazing at a low price, and my popples would prove hope does exist.  I learned to imagine and pretend what it was like to be part of those families, to not be eating rice everyday, and to be celebrating American holidays like everyone on TV did.  And it's not that I didn't love my own family and our own traditions, I just didn't understand why we were so different back then.  As an adult, I treasure our differences and the experiences I had, the culture and the ways we celebrated.  But now as a kid.  Perhaps most importantly, I learned what a good deal was and what sort of things I should really pay full price for and how to distinguish junk from junk treasures.  

Tuesday, April 13, 2021

Motherhood

Asking nicely. 

I do it again. I can be on time. 

I think, I feign.
Telling. Saying. Trying.
Does anybody hear me? Does anyone see me? 
Doing. Thinking. Dreading.
How has this become my day? 
Do I even have anything to say?
The soft brittle crunch. 
The leftover crumbs from lunch.
Their sweet faces smiling back at me.
Their screeching voices yelling look Mom, see!!
This life. This time. This mess. This stuff. 
Sometimes I think I’ve had enough.
Breathing. Sighing. Resigning. 
Dry hands. Oily hair. Old eyes. 
Smiling eyes. Time saved. Helping hands.  
Being.
Doing.
Repeat...
Being.
Doing.
Repeat. 

Monday, April 5, 2021

All Quiet On The Western Front

I've been rather quiet here for the past little bit.  Mostly because life is busy and I've become rather active on my public social media account (here if you want to give me a kind follow, but user beware, I am on there a lot).  I guess at some point, I swapped out my blogging social interactions with actually interacting with nobody online by speaking to somebody and having everybody (who wants to) listen.  It's a rather odd phenomenon to be so plugged into social media, but here I am, 38 years old, and having the time of my life now that I'm not chatting away my entire life all day in the audit rooms or in my manager's office working around people's schedules.  I don't usually think of myself as an extrovert, but I really do enjoy the workspace interactions, gossip, banter, you know - happy hour and all that.  Now that I'm a full time SAHM and a part-time Coach at night, life has gotten less verbose.  So I suppose the online storying fulfills some of that I'm lacking.  But I've determined a new way to use my time wisely.  

1) I am giving back time by volunteering at a not for profit, which I am super excited about!  I am helping to make educational videos, which I might actually have some experience doing!

2) I am going to revive my short-lived podcast.  I started it in 2018, but it was short lived, as it was often difficult to find silence to record my podcasts.  I may run into the same issue again, but it's always been something I've wanted to do, and if even just for my posterity to have when I'm dead, I think it'd be pretty neat.  I just have so many experiences I want to share and what better voice than MINE to share MY stories HAHA!  

3) I may be going into day trading.  It was a joke from my husband, but I want to definitely spend some time researching and getting into it.  I think it will be really exciting to try and learn about it a bit.  

So here's to 2021 and my new goals for myself.    

Thursday, January 23, 2020

Celebrating Chinese New Year! ... with kids

What kind of a Chinese Mom Say blog would I be if I didn't post some ideas I've been playing with, to celebrate Chinese New Year's?!?!  I'm not sure why, but the fascination with my own culture and identity seems to have magnified after having my own 3/4 asian kids.  Combined with living away from family and my hometown Arcasia (Arcadia, but we call it Arcasia because it is highly populated with Asians), the need has only grown every year.  I want my kids to take pride in knowing about the traditions their ancestors passed down, even if I warp it into my own new tradition.


So here's what I've done with my own kids......

1) TELL FUN STORIES: YouTube is a glorious thing when used correctly and appropriately.  We always find the story of Nian, the Zodiac, and watch them a few times over.  I also wrote my own little fun book about the Zodiac with modern fairytales and known stories, and my kids and I read that together along with the felt finger puppets I made a few years ago (super easy, you should totally try it!) One of these days, I'll get around to illustrating my book and put it online for everyone to access for free, but until then... check out these great videos.



We also love this video Panda Express put out to educate ourselves on all the traditions and symbols and all that jazz.

2) WEAR RED: We don't really have much red in our household so finding something "lucky" and red to wear is always fun, bonus that it can double for Valentine's which is usually not far away.  I've actually always purchased some traditional Chinese clothing for my kids, because I think it's so cute, and when you don't live in Arcasia, it's not as cheesy as I always thought it was growing up (yes, I was so judgmental of those asian gals who married white guys and then dressed their hapa kids in traditional Chinese clothing, and then I went and married a hapa guy and I still do the same thing.... so.......).  For some reason, when you live away from the Chinese masses, it feels honorable and necessary in order to preserve your culture and share with all the white people that Chinese New Year is coming up.  I've made it a tradition in our own family to always wear our Chinese New Year clothing or red to Church the Sunday before Chinese New Year's, and I LOVE it!


3) PASS OUT RED ENVELOPES: Lucky money in the form of hong baos (Mandarin) or lai si (Cantonese) is always a hit with my kids.  This year, I got smart and ordered some cute year of the rat envelopes from Amazon ahead of time, so I didn't have to go digging into my stash of used envelopes gifted to my kids from all our visits back to LA that didn't have writing on them.  (Guilty, totally have done that before)


4) PLAY CHINESE GAMES: I thought long and hard about this one, and wanted a way to share about some of the traditions while having fun.  So I came up with some fun games and a scavenger hunt, and plan to do it with my kids and some friends.



5) EAT CHINESE FOOD: This might come easier to some who can cook ALL the Chinese food, but even if you can't - celebrate by going to your local Panda Express or dim sum on the weekend.  We have made it a tradition with cousins and their kids, to go grab dim sum the Saturday near Chinese New Year's with our kids.  This is when I pass out lucky envelopes to the kids!


6) DO SOME CRAFTS: We have loved doing Chinese New Year crafts.  The easiest are paper lanterns, but we've also done origami with whatever animal is up for the year, and painted egg cartons and made dragons (which are popular animals all the time even when it's not their turn in the Zodiac).

Here are some great craft tutorials that you can do with your kids!






7) SAY HAPPY NEW YEAR AND CONGRATULATIONS MAY YOU PROSPER: So even though it's the New Year, everyone is always saying gong xi fa cai (Mandarin ) or gong hay fat choi (Cantonese) which from a literal translation is congratulations, may you prosper, but it's meant to convey luck, fortune, and all good things for the year.  Happy new year is actually xing nian kuai le (Mandarin).  I think it's important that my kids know how to say these phrases, so we go over it again and again.  Growing up, we'd always joke, happy new year, gimme that red envelope, because in Mandarin, they rhyme, as follows: xing nian kuai le, hong bao na lai! Well, I suppose as I write that, it's more the alliteration than the fact that they rhyme rhyme.  

8) ATTEND SOME COMMUNITY EVENT: There is ALWAYS some local Chinese association doing some type of performance or community event, and it will ALWAYS include a lion dance, and if you're lucky, more authentic traditional Chinese dancing.  But there's always something in every town in a community center or local school, or a library, or even super markets (that's a thing here in Salt Lake City!)  Here in SLC, our kids museum is even doing some crafts and activities on Saturday, which is when Chinese New Year's falls on this year!  Traditionally, the Eve is celebrated more and usually when I used to dine with my family.  

Anyway, that's how this American born Chinese mom is celebrating the New Year with my 3/4 but very American kids.  Most important to me is that the kids understand what a big deal this holiday is in Asia, and the big holiday of the year for them (not Christmas).  I want them to know how important this was that I always asked for time off from work early during busy season, so that I could have a traditional meal with my family (and get my lucky envelope since I wasn't married yet!).  It's a fun holiday to celebrate, and I'm glad I get a reason to celebrate it with my kids, and pass on the traditions of our people! 

Friday, October 11, 2019

The Tightrope of My Life

When you have an Asian mother, your life is meticulously and constantly judged, and for me at least, I seemed to fluctuate between being an utter disappointment or making her immensely proud. It's a weird ability, to be able to walk on the tightrope of motherly approval, and despite my balance throwing me off completely, catapulting me into self doubt, elevating my insecurities, and making me feel small and worthless, I keep going back, a true masochist, always seeking my mom's approval.

And yet, now, as an adult looking back, if I had to attribute my confidence and self worth to one person, it would be my mom.  My mom, the one who always reminded me I was a diamond in the rough, and that I was beautiful on the inside and out, even in the midst of reminding me to watch my weight, to take my skincare seriously, and to dress a certain way, as if appearance was the only thing that mattered.  My mom, the one who always told me I am smart enough, I am good enough, I can try harder, I can do better, and who pushed me into after school programs, extracurriculars, and always pushed me to give back and be kind, but who was also the one who told me my crafts looked cheap and ugly, my clothes were unflattering, my make-up was ill done, and my home cooked meal was just okay.  Never enough. And yet, when anything big happened, anything traumatic like a car accident or a boy dumping me, my mom was the first person to support me, to lift me up, to tell me it would get better, and to be on my side.  She never undermined my huge emotions and was always there to support me.  And that's what I remind myself now when I feel criticized because she's telling me I'm not feeding my kids well enough, not making enough homemade soups or preparing fresh cut fruit for them, or teaching them Chinese at home.  I know she's just pushing me to be better, but I have to get off the phone and take a break, even if for a moment.

As a mother now, my son often yells back at me, "you just want me to be perfect!  There's no such thing as perfect!"  I politely disagree with him, and then go on to explain that I want him to try to be better, but that doesn't mean he has to be perfect.  And in that moment, I realize maybe I am becoming more like my mom than I ever envisioned.  I began to understand that her hope for me to be better was guised under the premise of an overly critical Asian mother.  Because love from my own mother was never expressed in the form of direct praise until I had a specific accomplishment measured by an accolade or title, I never understood the love she did have for me because it got lost in translation.

The other day at my children's swim class, I heard another mother praise her young daughter, telling her, "you did so great!  I am SO SO proud of you!" And I scoffed quietly from the side, wondering what her daughter actually did to make her proud.  And in that moment, I realized, I am becoming my mom.  But maybe that isn't so bad.  Maybe it's okay for my kids to want to work hard and do well because of themselves, and not because I'm on the side cheering them on every single moment of their entire life.  I plan to be there to hug them and be physically able to communicate my love to them unlike my own mom, but I also plan to mirror my own mom by pushing them to continue to work hard despite failure again and again. 

Maybe part of growing up is realizing the bad you once thought tormented you about your own mother wasn't really so bad, and then you start to think about the qualities you definitely want to embody in your own motherhood journey, even if those are similar to your own mother who you once swore you'd never be like.  It turns out it's the same, in a different way.